When you hear the phrase “Accessories for Lonely Men,” what comes to mind? This past weekend, I saw a display at the MoMA with that exact title. Of course, I immediately expected to see a five-digit male-brain massager.

Instead, I was amused to see that the exhibit (by Noam Toran) was a collection of “electronic devices designed to alleviate loneliness by simulating the – sometimes annoying – traces that one’s companions would normally leave behind.“

• Sheet Thief - winds the bedclothes up on the other side of the bed while the user is sleeping
• Chest-hair curler – a steel finger gently swirls chest hair in concentric circles
• Heavy Breather – breathes hot air down the user’s neck
• Hair Alarm Clock – swings hair across the user’s face to wake him
• Cold Feet – recreates the joys of sharing a bed
• Plate Thrower – rapid-fire plate launcher

Well … Two can play at that game.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you …

:: ACCESSORIES FOR LONELY WOMEN ::

• Toilet Seat Lifter – allows user to enjoy the sensation of falling into the toilet bowl
• Dirty Laundry Launcher – rotating projectile launcher distributes dirty laundry everywhere except into the hamper
• Remote Control Hog – also available in advanced version with rapid channel surfing
• Bodily Function Speaker – soothes the user with the comforting sounds of natural human functions

And my two favorite devices:

• Buttock Groper – Robotic hand attachment gropes the user’s buttocks at random intervals. Intensity of rub can range from a light “pat” to a loving “caress” to a firm ”grab.”
• Alarm Cock - Nothing like morning wood to let you know that it’s time to rise and shine!

Of course, all of these devices play off of well-known gender stereotypes. But, as with any stereotype, the particulars don’t apply to every individual.

Derek, my husband, is actually much neater and more organized than I am. And it seems I’ve caught myself a keeper who always shares the remote and never ever leaves the toilet seat up. However, Derek is totally guilty of being a Buttock Groper! It’s as if our marriage license was a free pass for him to grope my ass every time he passes by. To be honest, I really don’t mind.  And when he’s away for business, I actually find myself missing the groping action.

I guess our shopping list would be:

• Accessory for a Lonely Sherry – Buttock Groper
• Accessory for a Lonely Derek – Chest-hair curler (he’s probably the only Asian guy on the planet who even has enough chest hair for this device)

Which devices would you, your partner, or your friends be interested in?